Birthday Exit Strategy
by Cubit2
Summary: A bit of no-whump fluff for Danny whump lovers, inspired by a prompt from Irene Claire and in honor of Scott Caan's birthday.


A/N Based on this prompt from Irene Claire:

"What's our exit strategy?"

"Our what?"

"Oh my god. We're all going to die."

A/N Despite the implications of the prompt, in honor of Scott Caan's birthday today (August 23) there will be no whump in this one-shot, Danny or otherwise. If you've seen the pictures of poor Scott (from August 22) in a very uncomfortable looking elbow orthosis/brace I think you'd agree that he has been hurt enough.

A/N I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of the characters.

H50 H50 H50

Crouched beside the Camaro, Danny, Steve and Lou were communicating with Jerry, who was back at HQ working on his laptop, through the headsets as bullets whizzed by overhead. "Come on, Jerry, what can you tell us? We need information."

"Seems to be part of a group, a rather large one from what I can tell," came the reply.

"What group, Jerry?" Steve prompted.

There was a long pause when all they heard was the clacking of keys before Jerry answered. "It's called DWOCD."

"seriously them again why is it always them its always danny danny danny they never pay attention to steve at all just freakin' danny"

Lou looked at Danny. "Why are you talking strange?"

"Because it's them. They're dangerous. Well, to me anyway."

"Relax Danny. Jerry, what's our exit strategy?" Steve asked.

"Our what?" Jerry replied.

"Oh my god, we're all going to die," Lou whined.

"No, we're not," Danny assured him.

"What turned you into Pollyanna all of a sudden?" Steve asked as the barrage of bullets continued around them.

"The DWOCD. I know these people. They may hurt us but they won't kill us."

"Why not?" Steve asked.

"Lots of experience, unfortunately. They like hurt/comfort, not death. It's hardwired into their DNA or something. But don't worry, Lou. You're completely safe."

"I am?"

"Yes, they won't touch you. They don't want to hurt you."

"That's a relief," Lou sighed, but kept his head down anyway.

"It's me they're after," Danny confessed.

"Why you?" Steve asked, sounding slightly affronted.

"How the hell should I know? They're obsessed with me or something."

"What about me?" Steve asked, obviously insulted that these people weren't obsessed with him.

"That depends."

"Depends on what?"

"Not on what, on who. Jerry?" Danny asked. "You have any more detailed information?"

"I'm working on it."

"Work harder. Narrow it down for us. Is it Phoebe Miller? Cubit2? Irene Claire? Jlopie? Swifters?"

"I can rule out a few of them. Irene Claire and Phoebe Miller have been sick. Swifters is really busy with other things. It's none of them."

Danny puffed out a breath of air.

"What does that tell us?" Steve asked.

"That's pretty good news for you," Danny said.

"I just ruled out Rewob17, Central Mom and Wenwalke, too," Jerry continued.

"Looking better for you every passing minute," Danny told Steve.

"What about Tracey 450 or Topazicatzbeth?" Danny asked now.

"Give me a second." The three men waited while Jerry tapped away on his laptop. "Nope. Neither of them are involved," he finally replied.

"Fifilla, Auntof3?"

"They're out," Jerry assured him.

"Well, you can relax, babe" Danny told Steve.

"I'm already relaxed."

"Oh, forgive me Rambo. For a moment I forgot that you eat bullets for breakfast," Danny said. "What I meant is that they're not out to hurt you."

"Oh, so why don't I stand up and…?" Steve moved to stand.

Danny and Lou both grabbed his arms and tugged him back down again. "There is something seriously wrong with you, you know that, don't you? These are still very dangerous people. Don't tempt them or they may just change their minds and hurt you," Danny growled.

"What else do you have, Jerry?" Steve asked, sitting back down.

"Tell me, it's Komodo Queen, please!" Danny begged.

"Why Komodo Queen?" Steve and Lou asked in unison.

"She likes fluff. She's a member of DWOCD but not fanatical. She won't hurt me."

"Sorry Danny. I've ruled her out," came Jerry's voice.

"Crap," Danny replied, realizing that they were getting down to some seriously zealous and passionate options. "Crap, crap, crap."

"Danny relax," Steve told him.

"Relax? How can I relax? Do you have any idea what these people are capable of?" Danny took a deep breath. "Jerry? Tell me it's DetectiveJiju, Avieryfriend or Sue 2556?"

"No can do," Jerry replied, still tapping away on his laptop. "You know they don't run ops. They're just observers."

"Observers of what?" Lou asked.

"Of demented torture," Danny replied with a resigned sigh.

"I've ruled out TheDogo, Julieb716, JeanBlythe and Natalie Ryan, if that makes you feel any better," Jerry said as he continued his work from HQ.

"That's good, right?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, but there are still some psychos out there."

"Maybe it's Jlopie," Jerry offered.

"Why would you even say that? She gored me with a bull and burned me with a bundt cake."

"Because if it's not her then it's either JazzieG or Cubit2."

"You can't be serious?" Danny replied.

"Yep. Definitely one of them," Jerry said, tapping away. "I hope it's JazzieG."

"You hope it's JazzieG? She's done everything to me from A to Z!"

"Do I have to remind you what Cubit2 did to you?"

Danny looked at his right arm, flexing his hand, elbow and shoulder, making sure that he could move them. "No, no you most definitely do not have to remind me of that, but last I heard she was up to her eyeballs with her family, her job, her volunteer work and playing soccer. How would she have time for this?"

"I don't know the answer to that," Jerry confessed.

"What's a cubit anyway?" Lou asked. "Anybody ever wonder about that?"

"It's an ancient unit of measure," Jerry answered as he continued plodding away on his laptop.

"Well, I know that," Lou said. "Noah used it to build the ark but how big is it?"

Danny held out his right arm, still relieved that he could actually move it, and used his other hand to point to his right elbow. "From here," he said, before folding four fingers of his right hand in, leaving only the middle finger pointing out. "To here."

"You're just a font of useless information," Steve told Danny before addressing their technical expert. "So, which one is it, Jerry? Is it really this Cubit person that Danny's so afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid, just…"

"Rationally concerned, I know," Steve finished for him.

"It's definitely Cubit2," Jerry told them.

"Cubit2," Danny sighed. "You only whump the ones you love," he muttered. "I wonder what she has in store for me today. Maybe dislocating my elbow?" He looked at his left arm in dismay.

"It's Danny's birthday for crying out loud, can't you leave him alone for once?" Steve called out at the top of his lungs.

The gunfire abruptly ended and they were surrounded by silence.

"Jerry?" Lou queried.

"Looks like they're pulling out," Jerry said.

When they were sure that the bad guys were gone, the three teammates stood up.

"You're my hero," Danny told Steve as he patted him on the shoulder.

Stepping around to the other side of the bullet riddled Camaro, the three were surprised by what they saw.

Carved with bullet holes into the side of Danny's car were the words, Happy Birthday!

HHHH

A/N For the uninformed, DWOCD stands for "Danny whump obsessive compulsive disorder". It's a real group, honest!

A/N To all the Danny whump lovers whose FF names I used, I wasn't able to check with everybody so if you object to the use of your name, please let me know and I'll edit it out. To all the Danny whump lovers whose FF name I didn't use, please don't be offended or feel left out. I wrote this bit of mindless fluff on the fly and did the best I could to include as many as I could. To Steve-loving Lenaii125, I hope you recognize the part just for you.


End file.
